Written by Billy Joe Jim Bob
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Tuesday, 28 June 2016

image for Plane Takes Off, Then Lands. TSA in Hot Water.
TSA security checkpoint

Due to a glitch in the TSA's Delay Performance System, Trans American Flight 209 left the gate on time, took off, and landed at its intended destination on time.

"We are looking into this situation. We take delay tactics very seriously, and if our investigation discovers wrongdoing on the part of our Security Officers, we will take the appropriate action," says TSA spokesperson Liam Pseudo-Nimm.

"Our delays are orchestrated each day to coincide with scheduled departures. If any one of our numerous TSOs fails to perform a rude, demeaning, needless procedure, then these situations can occur. We regret that this particular flight was not delayed, but it's important to understand that this was just one flight at one airport. The other 99.9% of flights were delayed."

The unusual situation has caused a domino effect throughout the travel industry. Unmanned airline kiosks were the hardest hit.

"I couldn't check my bags, change my flight, request a pillow, order a special needs snack with non-GMO soy nuts topped with gluten-free croutons on a sesame seed bun, and get a second seat for my bagpipe at the kiosk today," said Semantha Semantica-Grammar, a Ph.D. English major from California.

Ms. Semantica-Grammar missed her flight back to LAX because in her rush she spelled it "ELA," which is the abbreviation for a cow pasture in Texas. "The TSA should be held responsible for this glitch. I am scared to fly now. I am a vegan, and seeing those cows gave me a regular conniption fit."

"Whoever allowed this to happen should be terminated. And then they should be fired, too," says Mea Tue, a frequent traveler and platinum super diamond titanium rhodium gold member of Trans American. "This on-time glitch has caused Trans-Am to ruin their long string of 24,000 late flights in a row. The only diamond in the rough is that the airline has offered me 100 free delayed flights."

Rumors within the TSA are that a junior TSO was responsible for the fiasco. Multiple sources within the TSA indicate that the senior security officer at the Los Angeles airport was off for the day. He had left orders with the rest of the TSOs to "rush everything through security." But the full text of the order implies that someone misunderstood the memo.

"Everyone: Be sure to order pizza for the lunch hour at precisely 11:10 and tell them to RUSH EVERYTHING THROUGH SECURITY WHEN IT ARRIVES. This will ensure that the noon rush passengers are delayed."

In a separate failure, passengers of Flight 209er landing in Chicago were to be met with an empty baggage claim area due to "heightened security concerns." But due to a mix-up, every one of their bags was on the conveyor waiting for the shocked passengers. "We delayed the wrong bags. There were two different flights coming in on a Trans American plane at roughly the same time. Somehow, the baggage of Flight 209 got sent to Baggage Claim 2 on time," says senior bag boy Boyd Bagg. "By the time we realized our error, there were news reporters swarming the airport asking for comments about the situation. The passengers were all gone. All we could do at that point was blame it on a computer glitch and falsify some records."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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