Washington (SAPP) - In a strange twist of fate, the bathroom debate has come to a screeching halt. The U.S. EPA, an unlikely actor in this political saga, has settled the issue once and for all. In a blistering beat-down of the political Left and Right, the EPA has formally ruled that bathrooms can no longer have walls due to everyone's right to "free expression." The bipartisan panel of experts, all with 10 or more years experience using public bathrooms, concluded that bathrooms should be "open, inviting, and convenient." The panel stressed that bathrooms should not be "echo chambers" or "enclosed" any more to allow people the free expression of sights and sounds and odors. The panel stressed that without walls, graffiti would "be eliminated."
"This ruling comes as a big surprise, but it also relieves us of many agonizing decisions," says an aide to a senior Democrat in the Senate. "We were trying to squeeze out legislation to make all bathrooms gender neutral, but now we need to hold ourselves back while we evaluate our options. I am going to go someplace quiet, sit down, and think real hard about this."
The sentiment on the other side of the aisle was astonishingly similar. "The EPA's ruling today has caught us with our pants down. No pun intended. We thought that bathroom walls were part of the historical landscape that made bathrooms what they are. We are at a loss as to how to react," says a Republican counterpart in the Senate. The senior aide went on to say, "I was under the impression that walls were somehow sacred to the bathroom paradigm. Excuse me; I need to find an open air urinal."
The EPA ruling states that bathroom border walls are "microagressions" for some groups and "safety concerns" for others. The EPA has ruled that except in a medical emergency or for gay pregnant transgender crossdressing feminist handicapped African-American-Indian indigenous people of Hispanic descent possessing an unexpired license to practice Chinese traditional medicine while eating non-GMO soy with solar power, that public bathrooms must have no walls. The only other exception is for public bathroom facilities in buildings with no running water and less than 20 square feet (the outhouse exemption). It specifically removes the long standing rule to have a bathroom door automatically close, a safety hazard that kills hundreds of flies each decade. The ruling also identified the bathroom stall as "a prison cell" that must be removed to make way for a "free society."
Critics accuse the EPA of causing mass hysteria. This is unfounded, as the ruling explains why people should use bathrooms without a wall. "Walls are for scaring people away. We feel that there will be an increase in bathroom use and compliance by removing the walls. We need a comforting safe place without walls and without limitations to do our business. We need to stop offending people and begin the healing process. This ruling will improve the sanitary disposal system of our nation," says EPA spokesperson Logan Kerr-Plopp.
Backers of the initiative see a new and exciting opportunity. "We are enthusiastic about this EPA ruling because it shows us how the government can be a force for good. I look forward to walking past these demolished walls, looking into these formerly secretive bathrooms, and discovering new insights inside…" says former Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) from an airport in Minneapolis-St. Paul, as he stops, mid-sentence, to cry. Echoing Mr. Craig, a group calling itself the People's Equal Restroom Voice of Urban Toronto (PERVURT), a Canadian group, has called the EPA's decision "exciting" and "titillating." PERVURT's spokesman Handover Seaman said, "Canadians are going to cross the border just to see these washrooms. PERVURT plans to organize a tour group just to see how this works, aye!"
The EPA released the new rules this morning, scheduled to take effect September 1 this year. This gives public schools enough time to comply with the new rules. The 26,664 page ruling will be available via the Government Printing Office for $0.25 per page starting August 24. Please have exact change, in quarters. There is a comment period open to the public lasting from two weeks ago Wednesday until yesterday at midnight.