Manchuria (SAPP) - The Society of Dark Horses (SoDaHo) has announced in a press release that Donald Trump is not one of them. The secret society, known for its yearly festival in Manchuria known as Burning Horse, has claimed that it has no record of Donald Trump ever being a member. SoDaHo is officially distancing itself from the 2016 presumptive Republican nominee.
Through its lawyer and founding member, General Edwin Walker, SoDaHo issued this statement:
"We categorically deny that Donald Trump is a Dark Horse candidate. Our records indicate that when Mr. Trump was 17, he attended one of our rallies in Manchuria. However, we have determined that Mr. Trump was only visiting for entertainment purposes. He also gave our organization $3.2 million in 1987, $4.6 million in 1995, and $1.65 in 2003. We regret that we took that money, but we were in desperate need of horse stalls for cute, baby dark ponies. Trump has also given us 302,500 baby horse blankets with Trump logos on them. And he has sent his son to be sacrificed in Manchuria a few times, but his offers were rejected. We have also received a lot of email correspondence from Mr. Trump over the years, but we forwarded it all to the US State Department in 2011."
"We have also heard rumors that Mr. Trump has attended our Dark Horse Training Seminars. This is completely false. Our seminars are held in Trump Tower and in the basement of one of his casinos, and on the 19th hole of three of his golf courses, but these seminars are not affiliated in any way with Mr. Trump or his businesses. Although we have been friendly over the years, we feel like we don't know Donald Trump. He seems curiously different from all of our previous interactions, and thus we feel that his success in politics is an anomaly. He is an unknown. An enigma. We do not expect him to win any other political contests. And we certainly could not foresee his string of wins and his recent popularity."
"I know the man personally and attended two of his weddings. And I golf with him every third Sunday. And I like to play charades with him. And we go to the race track together to bet on horses. But Mr. Trump is not a friend. I just don't know the man."
"And so it is with regret that we state our disapproval of Mr. Trump. His political leanings and experience are not well known. As Dark Horses, we cannot attest or vouch for Mr. Trump's pedigree as a Dark Horse. His appearance on the scene as a Presidential contender is a long-shot that is not indicative of a true Dark Horse. We ask all Dark Horses, in Manchuria and abroad, to stand against Mr. Trump as a sign of unity. The Society of Dark Horses hereby and formally proclaims that Donald Trump is not the next Dark Horse candidate for the US Presidency."
When asked to comment, Mr. Trump's campaign had little to say except that this was not unexpected. "This is a charade! Most of these Dark Horses are liars. Mr. Trump has been a registered Dark Horse since the 1990s, and a Dark Horse in principle since he was born. We know that SoDaHo's internal management is angry with Trump because he wasn't their favorite Dark Horse. But the vast majority of Dark Horses love him. General Walker is a phony Dark Horse."