Written by Paul Blake
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Wednesday, 29 June 2016

image for Jimmy Buffett Opens Chain Of Run-Down Trailer Parks
Welcome To Your 'Jimmy Life!'

Gulf Shores Beach, FL - Jimmy Buffett doesn't need to be searching for his 'lost shaker of salt' anymore, he can easily afford to hire someone to find it for him. The music legend, who's been touring the country with his Coral Reefer Band for decades, has slowly amassed an empire of all things 'easy-living.'

Now with his own beer company and clothing line and high-end resort hotel, Jimmy is finally acknowledging the true clientele who are largely responsible for all his success, by opening up a string of shitty, run-down trailer parks that best embody the 'fuck-it-all' lifestyle he's inspired a generation to descend to.

"This place is awesome!" said a pretty wasted Darryl Wartback, cracking his tenth beer of the day and trying to figure out exactly which trailer is his. "They don't even put numbers on 'em, which really makes it difficult, but not having a door sure makes it a shitload easier when you do find it," he added. Indeed, most of the ex-FEMA trailers Buffett scored from hurricane Katrina don't have doors anymore, nor many windows either, but that's just the way Jimmy's tenants want it.

Each trailer comes equipped with pretty much nothing, except for a drawer full of old Hawaiian shirts from Goodwill, two pairs of flip-flops, and a bag of plastic beer cups, which can be filled at the beer trough in the center of each park for $2 bucks per cup.

"There's also a check-cashing service right by the front gate too," slurred Gynelle Sabitino, who recently drove down from New Jersey to start living her 'Jimmy Life.' I'm planning on catching the rusty pick-up truck to the beach today, and then it's beer and Cheetos for dinner," she tells of her day's plan. "Hey Wartman, you got any water coming outta yer shower?" asked Gynelle. "Me neither," she confirmed back. "Guess that's what the beach is for!" she exclaimed to a drunken cheer over the 24hour party music. Sabitino then dipped her cup in the beer trough, picked out a fly and slapped two wet dollar bills on the counter, exclaiming, "I loves my Jimmy Life!"

Yep, it appears that old Jimmy can't do much wrong in the business world these days, his first ten 'Fuck-It-All' trailer parks have a waiting list of almost two years for people who want to be 'wasting away again in Margaritaville.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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