Washington DC - Calling America's "shameful history of discrimination against the totally deranged" an "ugly blotch on our nation that we are still to this day scrubbing out," Hillary Clinton today warned that the events in Orlando, "while tragic, pale in comparison to the very idea of contemplating the very germination of the thought that some totally deranged person somewhere in America might be discriminated against just because the Orlando night club shooter was totally deranged too."
Clinton called for billions of dollars to be spent on round the clock security for all deranged Americans and additional billions to be put in reserve to finance all deranged people "everywhere" who may want to illegally enter America from abroad and behave in a threatening, erratic and "socially stigmatizing" manner.
She called also for trillions to be pumped into public schools to teach children "not to stigmatize the psychotic" and called also for nation wide implementation of a mandatory, grade school curriculum that goes heavy on illustrated books that teach children there is nothing to fear from being part of a family with six moms being held hostage by one.
"No completely insane French Canadian should have to come to America and not have their own personal bodyguard of over fifty highly trained ex-Seals surrounding them at all times," Clinton read from a teleprompter. "And when they get here, they deserve to meet a society totally oriented towards meeting all of their needs, no matter how ridiculous, or seemingly 'sick', according to long held social-constructs drummed into all of us by our Ku Klux Klan ancestors."
Clinton made the news show rounds to further extrapolate her point.
"The same applies for a nut job from Cameroon, or some guy from Tasmania who's bi-polar and has rabies," Clinton told CNN's Wolf Blitzer. "Just because some whacko in Madagascar is high on synthetic internet drugs and convinced the Lemurs outside his window are telling him to start his own religion doesn't mean that anticipating and spending billions readying to cater to his every need will somehow not be the top policy priority of any Clinton administration."
Presidential rival Donald Trump wasted no time hitting Twitter to respond to Clinton's comments.
"WTF is crazy Hillary talking about?" Tweeted Trump. "Clinton off rocker, not fit to manage racist Denny's franchise, let alone America."
Trump kept tweeting.
"Sons of Afghan immigrants no longer guaranteed to go into overpriced carpet biz."
"Have to get tough. As President, will vaporize Kuwait twice for every gay killed here."
By noon Trump tweeted:
"Eating killer Cobb Salad with extra bacon. Screw Ramadan."
Ten minutes later:
"I get along great with the gays. Eating BLT. Mohammed can bite me."
"Heard call to prayer blaring from Arab World News. Just farted toward Mecca and let dog take dump on prayer rug."
President Obama took time off his cross country tour of grade school girls' bathrooms to tell reporters "the nation's thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the murder victims, as well as those injured, except a few that were hardly nicked in the mayhem and no thoughts or prayers for those who escaped with only lifelong mental trauma."
Saying he "really had to take a shit," the President refused to answer reporters questions and entered the girls' bathroom behind him to the accompaniment of screams from the little fourth graders inside.