Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Sunday, 5 June 2016

image for After Losing the News Cycle for Three Days to Muhammad Ali, Donald Trump Declares Himself Dead

Washington, D. C.--Donald Trump, after watching the news cycle focus on the death of Muhammad Ali for the last three days, today declared to Jake Tapper, on "State of the Nation," that he was dead.

Said the bloviating billionaire to Tapper: "Yeah, Jake. I died just last night, of a stroke. In fact, my death was the greatest death of any billionaire any time in the history of mankind. All those other billionaires--Mark Cuban, Warren Buffet, the Sultan of Brunei--those losers are low energy and still alive! Only I'm dead, like Muhammad Ali, and like Ali, I'm the greatest dead person in the United States right now. But will the news media cover my death, those losers?"

"But," interjected Tapper, "I'm interviewing you right now, and you look very much alive to me. Can you honestly say, sitting right here in front of me--"

"Tapper, you're a sleaze ball if you don't acknowledge the obvious: That I'm sitting here in front of you as dead as a doornail, and I'm the greatest dead person ever. Everyone--the women, the blacks, the Hispanics--love me and will vote for me in November, whether I'm dead or alive. I'm the richest and the deadest!"

After Trump's last answer, Tapper whomped Trump in the head with a nearby book, and the corpse that is Trump yelled "Ouch!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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