Written by Mike Peril
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Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Washington, D.C.: Sources close to presumed nominee Donald Trump state that Trump is already considering nominees for his cabinet if he wins the presidency. With presumed Chief of Staff Corey Lewandowski at the helm, Lewandowski is certain to push women into key positions. Trump is expected to have many surprise choices. A number of names and their qualifications have already been circulating.

Secretary of Transportation will be Chris Christie. Christie knows how NJ traffic stops and starts, and how easily bridge traffic can be tied up for days.

John Kasich will be Secretary of Agriculture. He will watch over food quality, bite by bite.

Secretary of Education will be any recent graduate of Trump University, once he or she can prove a degree was earned. "Lyin'" Ted Cruz will assist the young graduate and be in charge of making our children's bathrooms safe, even from him.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Mitt Romney will embrace Trump after all and reestablish his signature Massachusetts Health Reform, aka RomneyCare, nationwide.

Jeb! Bush will serve as Secretary of (Low) Energy. The Donald enjoyed giving Jeb! a brand new name. Or, rather, a new brand name.

Mr. Trump will nominate "Little" Marco Rubio as his Administrator of the Small Business Association, a sub-cabinet level position. Mr. Trump thinks that the word "small business" is actually a reference to someone's personal business, like the size of his small personal business, even if in good hands.

Secretary of Veteran's Affairs will be John McCain. Now having endorsed Trump, McCain is Trump's newest hero.

Reality Show Stars

Attorney General will be Judge Judy. Judge Wapner, now 96, and his People's Court successor, former NYC Mayor Ed Koch, now deceased, had no comment.

The Property Brothers will replace the Castro Brothers as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, reflecting Trump's belief that this position is best held by identical twins. The many Trump dated didn't want the job.

Trump's Apprentice in training Omarosa will serve as Secretary of Commerce. She will remain in NYC and ready to jump all over interstate commerce direct from the 59th floor of Trump Tower.

International Pics

Secretary of Labor will go to the former President of Mexico, who once declared that Mexico wouldn't pay for the f'in wall. He will cross the border before the wall goes up and encourage Mexicans to get "f'in" back home.

Secretary of Defense will be Vladimir Putin, who according to his birth certificate was born in New York City. When in Russia, Mr. Putin will share FaceTime with the Donald. To celebrate their union, Putin and Trump are planning a public kiss to solidify their bromance.

Mr. Trump will have no position for Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. Mr. Trump may have a grudge against Trudeau, after Trudeau is rumored to have hit on Trump's wife and daughter simultaneously (Trudeau thought they were sisters), while showing off his tattoo at a boxing charity event last fall.

Fictional Characters to Lead Us Too

Homeland's Carrie Mathison will be Trump's choice for Secretary of State. Fictional or not, she is well traveled, on meds, and has good instincts. The many fictional Muslims who celebrated on top of buildings in New Jersey after 9/11 will serve as Mathison's key staffers.

Press Secretary will be Trump's alter egos, John Miller and John Barron. Press conferences will be by phone only. Mr. Trump will speak on occasion in his own voice fielding questions from either Trump AF One or Trump White Men House.

The Spoils

Secretary of Treasury will be shared by three women special to Trump, each with a financial stake in Trump: Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Melania Trump. They will serve in succession throughout Donald's two terms. Marla will propose that Trump replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill and on all Broadway signs.

Sarah Palin will be asked to serve as Vice-Vice President. While Palin will not recognize the position, she will be honored to replace the bridge to nowhere with a wall proposal going nowhere. She plans to waive to Secretary Putin from her house in DC. (Secretary Christie's wife has graciously accepted to stand behind the Vice-Vice President during all of Palin's stump speeches.)

Unfunded Department

Secretary of Interior position will remain open. While Trump believes that natural resources are important, as a NYC real estate developer, he is concerned with climate control rather than climate change. However, fair pricing of marble and granite will remain top priorities.

Reaction

Hillary Clinton refused to respond to an email requesting comment and the email was instantly deleted from her server. Bernie Sanders exclaimed "Feel the Bern!" Odd coming from an older gentleman, as who knows which part of him he would like us to feel. "It's gonna be hUge!" Sanders added.

All nominees fully support the presumptive Republican nominee, even if it really is Trump. A majority of Americans polled were very pleased. Says one legal commentator noted: "Victims of con artists often sing the praises of their victimizers until the moment they realize they have been fleeced."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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