Written by Chrissy Benson
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Saturday, 28 May 2016

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Depressed college grad Madison Calhoun, crippled by student loan debt, hopes that someday she'll find money and happiness.

A mind-blowing new study, The Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, recently revealed a link between poverty and depression, reporting that people living in poverty are actually twice as likely to be depressed as those who are able to provide for their basic human needs.

"It's mind-boggling," summarized astounded Gallup pollster Casey Dunnigan. "Who'd ever have thought that being broke might be an emotional downer?"

Others, however, were less taken aback by the research results - like Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, who claims to have long intuitively understood the connection between financial gratification and happiness. Indeed, says Trump, his whole life has been structured in accordance with the formula that money equals happiness (as well as spiritual value, personal worth, and just about everything else that matters).

"Our Founding Fathers were very clear on the notion that money and happiness go hand in hand," pointed out Trump. "In fact, the U.S. Constitution originally referred to 'life, liberty, and the pursuit of property.' In the final draft, they changed 'property' to 'happiness' - demonstrating that they're basically the same thing."

Big Pharma had a slightly different take on the Gallup-Healthways report.

"Poor people don't need to be depressed," asserted Merck & Co. CEO Kenneth Frazier. "ObamaCare imposed a fine on American citizens who refuse to buy health insurance from private insurance carriers. The government ought to impose a similar fine on poor people who fail to purchase prescription medication for depression."

In other words, explained Frazier, in order to avoid depression and other mood disorders, impoverished Americans don't need more money; they simply need more drugs.

"And the fabulous news for poor folks," gushed Frazier, "is that's something we can actually give them! Well, sell them, that is."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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