Written by Paul Blake
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Saturday, 28 May 2016

image for Yoga Studio Farts Away Carbon Emissions
Cindy Sharts is happy to produce over 1400 kilowatts of power per visit

Santa Monica, CA - One of L.A.'s most popular yoga studios has invented a very unique way to solving it's green house gas output - by harnessing farts!

"I was in the middle of leading a Hot Bikram class through downward-dog poise," tells Raven Branmuffin, "when I was once again overcome by the noxious scent of thirty sweaty people, all farting at the same time. That's when the idea came to me! If we can capture all of these farts, we could power the entire studio and eliminate our carbon emission footprint!"

So Raven devised a simple way to do just that, enlisting the help of one of her most flatulent students, Chucky Smudgestain, a engineering student at CalPoly Tech, who also happens to have a big-time crush on Raven. "It's simple really," explains a nerdy Chucky. "We bought a bunch of old emergency breathing devices from an defunct third-world airline company and adjusted the straps so they would fit on people's butts. From there we connected all of the capture tubes to a central tank in the ceiling. The collected farts are then converted into electricity, which provides so much power that we actually experienced a surplus output in our very first month!"

"We've had nothing but positive feedback too!" added a super-spunky Raven. "Our customers love the soul-cleansing feeling of giving back to the environment, let alone the fact that you don't have some sweaty dude blasting you in the face with rancid gas every few minutes-no offense Chucky. It's really a win win for everybody!"

And with word of the successful invention catching on around town, other businesses want to get in on the action, too. "Yeah, just the other day, the Mexican restaurant's owner across the street came over to see how it all works," told Ms. Branmuffin, who has already applied for a government patent and plans to cut Chucky out of the deal completely, after stringing him along on a few dates first.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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