Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Tuesday, 10 May 2016

image for Donald Trump: "I love the Bible! It has the best words!"
"Make Jesus Great Again!"

Lynchburg, VA--Donald Trump, speaking at Liberty University, the conservative Baptist college first endowed by Jerry Falwell, Jr., began his address to his young audience by booming, "I love the Bible! The Bible is the greatest book ever written! It has sold almost as many copies as my book, The Art of the Deal. Like my book, it has the best words!"

Trump then informed his audience that he loves the Bible so much that it sits on his nightstand, right next to his copy of Ayn Rand's The Virtue of Selfishness and Adolph Hitler's under-appreciated tome Mein Kampf, which the presumptive presidential candidate said he reads nearly every night to his newly arrived grandson, Frederick Wilhelm.

Asked by an audience member what some of his favorite Bible verses are, Trump stood for a few seconds, squinted offstage for a minute or two, and then said, "You know I really love that quote from Revelation 3:16, the one that goes, 'So because you are lukewarm in your support for me, I'm gonna spew you out of my mouth!'"

Trump squinted offstage again, and then added, "And I like this one, too, from Deuteronomy 1900: 'And my eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth,' and so on." At that last quote Trump scratched his head, squinted offstage again, and said, "And this one, too: 'If thy right eye offend thee, fuck it, and cast it toward my wife Melania, who's really hot! But if you lay so much as a finger on her, I'll cast you into hell, you loser!'"

Finally, Donald Trump ended with his favorite quote, from Lukewarm 6:31, "And as you would that men should do to you, make sure you get back at those fuckers."

As Donald Trump was leaving the stage amid a wildly cheering crowd, he waved his signature red baseball cap, which read, "Make Jesus Great Again!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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