Written by Michael Balton
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Sunday, 8 May 2016

image for Sanders' solution to super delegates: kryptonite
Not so super,...

Burlington, Vermont - - "Are the super delegates stacking the deck in my opponent's favor? Yes definitely. Do the super delegates have a weakness like Superman? I should say so. Am I going to do something about it? Most definitely.

"That's why I'm announcing a plan to use the nation's kryptonite reserves to put an end to these nondemocratic soul suckers."

So says Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, who apparently is now taking his campaign battle to the pages of the superhero comic books. That's where the antidote to what he believes to be an unfair process can be found.

"These characters out of a B movie haven't earned a single vote. Yet they hold the potential of turning his presidential election in their favor. They need to be stopped."

Asked if killing off the pretenders was a bit drastic, Sanders replied that kryptonite merely saps a super hero's strength. It is not fatal.

"If we wanted to kill them, we would've brought in some water from Flint, Michigan," Sanders says . "Drink that and the party's over. Permanently."

Instead, each and every super delegate will receive a dose of kryptonite, disguised as a sample of medical marijuana. "It'll make them so weak, they'll miss the convention and election day as well."

Comments from Krypton, the only source of kryptonite, are scheduled to arrive here in 347 light years, give or take a century.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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