Written by Brett Taylor
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Wednesday, 27 April 2016

image for Sanders: Will You Hurry Up and Indict Hillary Already?
Seriously, what the hell are you waiting for?

Tonight's Democratic primaries have brought more big victories for president-in-waiting Hillary Clinton, with Bernie Sanders winning only one state, Rhode Island. Because of recent losses, the Sanders campaign has admitted that they will be undergoing a period of "reassessment."

In order to explain what this means, we have given Sanders the space to clarity his platform and strategy. Here he is:

Hi, Bernie Sanders here. Yeah, yeah. You know who I am. I could take this time to pander, but I'm not gonna do it. She's real good at pandering. Her and her Wall Street cronies. If I had pandered in New York, just a little bit, I probably would have won. But I had to talk about Israel. Look, that's just how I am.

People are saying my path to the nomination is extremely narrow, mathematically speaking. Well, no shit. It's narrow, all right. It's narrower than my urethra, which gives me a lot of pain late at night when I have to get up and go to the bathroom, which is a lot. Sorry, did I get too personal there? I am very old.

Let me get right to the point. Would you hurry up and indict Hillary already? Everybody knows she broke the law, what are you waiting on? Quit dragging your feet, the American people are tired of it.

As you can probably guess, I have a very specific strategy, which is to wait till Hillary goes to jail and then jump in and take her place. We can't have a president in jail, can we? That'd be an embarrassment. If it keeps going on like this I'll have to accept the vice-presidency first and do that for a few years. You know how it makes me gag to think about that. Can you imagine having to take orders from that bitch for two years? The indignity. We Jews are truly a cursed people. My supporters would hate it even more. They'd probably never forgive me. I have some real hardcore supporters.

This is a very simply campaign strategy. I just need her career to be ruined. That's what I've been waiting on this whole time. That's all I've got. If Martin O'Malley knew how simple it was, he would have stayed in the race.

All that stuff about going to the convention and getting the superdelegates to switch, you didn't think that was true, did you? That's just me buying some time. You didn't actually think that could work, did you? Come on. All I need is one simple thing: her sorry criminal ass in jail. Come on, let's go! The American people can't wait! Whether you're Democrat, Republican, socialist, or independent, the sight of a Clinton in handcuffs will bring a smile to your face and a cheer to your heart. Just the thought of it--it's the first thing that's made me smile in months!

Anyway, would you hurry up and put her in jail? Geez, what are you waiting on, her husband to die? He looks worse than me.

Okay, I'm done. Unless you'd like to hear more about the fat cats on Wall Street. I can talk all day about Wall Street fat cats. My fans never get tired of it. They think I can do something about it. Let me tell you something, I hate to break this to my fans, because I've got a lot of them and they're very nice people, but if I ever get elected they'll get rid of me faster than they got rid of JFK. That's just how it is. We have a nation run by special interests and big money...what, you've heard that one before?

Okay, I'm done. Just hurry up and indict her, it's my only chance.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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