Written by Jose Munoz
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Wednesday, 20 April 2016

A new federal law that ensures that children will no longer mooch off taxpayer money in order obtain an education at public elementary schools will take effect in 2017.

The "Fuck Yo Kids" initiative will force the majority of schoolchildren in the US to take out student loans so that they can afford the opportunity to be taught to a rudimentary level before entering the workplace, mostly as labourers in the US's booming coal mining industry.

Some fortunate kids will be able to begin working in coal mines to help negate the rising cost of their tuition through a federal work-study program.

Chucky Thompson, a 4th grader at Darrel Sing Elementary School in Denver, put the predicament that he and his fellow classmates face quite bluntly:

"It's as if we are studying shit that has nothing to do with our inescapable professions as coal miners. Even worse, that irrelevant acquisition of knowledge will come at a price tag that will take us decades of mining to pay off."

Little Thompson and his family are planning to migrate to Germany, one of several lands of opportunity that is offering free elementary education and which has a mothballed coal industry.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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