Written by Jeff Brone
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Sunday, 10 April 2016

A local political candidate recently promised that, if elected, he'd fight those "big wall street swindlers" and maybe "take on those fat cat bankers" or "something like that."

Speaking at a local gathering in front of the Piggly Wiggly, the candidate said he "was always in favor of women's rights" and would "fight hard against the war on women" unless, he added, that it was "a good war to fight, and then he'd fight the women instead." He added that the middle class was "wicked good and really deserved special treatment, like to be made into a higher class, like upper middle, or something."

On the subject of terrorism, the candidate said that it was real bad, but cautioned us against thinking that every foreign person was a terrorist. He explained that "It's only like 30 percent of them, maybe, and some of those just do it because their friends are doing it." He said we have to set up a coalition to fight terrorism and not to expect to do it all ourselves. He assured the crowd that he had absolutely no idea how to do that.

On the subject of immigration, he said that people who were living here illegally were doing something wrong but it wasn't like they were breaking the law or anything. Besides, most of them were law abiding citizens except the ones that were criminals, which was about half of them.

He currently leads the polls with 97%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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