In a press release held Thursday morning, FBI investigator Tracey McCall expressed her frustration at Apple's refusal to cooperate with the San Bernardino shooting investigation:
"We know that they install mind-reading software in all of their iPhones. We know that it can't be defeated by meditative techniques, divine intervention, or aluminum foil headgear. We are certain that it could aid in our investigation, yet Apple refuses to allow us to use it to peer into the minds of the two shooters. What an unpatriotic bunch of sissies!"
In a carefully prepared statement on Apple's corporate website, CEO Tim Cooke calmly replied: "The FBI is asking us to open a Pandora's Box here. If we give them the key to our mind-reading technology, next they'll want in on our mind-control technology. I'm sure the American public can breathe easier knowing that these capabilities are safe in the hands of a trusted corporation, out of the reach of government agents. That is why, metaphorically speaking, we fart in the FBI's general direction and pelt them with Rice Krispies too."