Written by T. Loaf
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Saturday, 26 March 2016

Republican front-runner, Donald Trump, has revealed further plans relating to defense since announcing his intention to curb American commitment to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

"NATO is just too expensive. If they want us, they can cough up. We're gonna introduce a new 'Rent a Marine' system. That'll do the trick. You only get what you pay for."

Other cuts are to follow. On the domestic front, the best shots within the National Rifle Association are to replace police patrols in specific 'hotspot' areas. 'Crack Rifle Association Personnel' (CRAP) are to be employed by police, and let loose in districts of tension. "Grass roots policing is what I call it", explained Trump. "This will relieve local police, reduce crime, kill off petulant troublemakers and save millions because the NRA volunteers shoot 'just for fun'."

"Health is also too costly. I'm gonna cancel out Obama's health insurance for all and introduce 'Trump's Radical Alternative on Safety and Health' (TRASH).

CRAP and TRASH are to become major themes as Trump homes in on the Republican nomination. "CRAP and TRASH reflect my most sincerest views on a fair society, and I'll be focusing on them from now on".

"Safety at work and in the home is a complete joke. All companies will be obliged to hang a 'Be Carefull!!!' sign at the entrance to premises. And as for those with no health insurance and then get sick: Tough! I mean it's our American heritage, it's evolutionary. Survival of the richest!"

Millions of T-shirts with the slogan 'CRAP and TRASH - VOTE TRUMP!' are to be distributed across the nation this week. "You've just gotta tell the people as it is, " said Trump. "Believe me, they're gonna love crap and trash..."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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