Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Thursday, 17 March 2016

image for Republican Party Now Classified as an Endangered Species
The Endangered Species Moderatus Republicanus

The International Union for the Conservation of Nature (IUCN) has now added the Republican Party to its "Red List," which is a list of species world-wide ranging from completely extinct to near-threatened. The GOP, or the Grand Obsolescent Party, as it has now been dubbed, falls under the classification of "Endangered Species," joining the Blue-throated Macaw, Siamese Crocodile, and Kemp's Ridley Sea Turtle as species deserving of special protection under the Endangered Species Act, which was signed into law by Richard Nixon in 1973.

To be considered an Endangered (EN) Species, explained Griffin Beale, a zoologist with the World Wildlife Fund, a species has to meet a number of criteria, including a precipitous reduction in population size, a diminishment in geographical range, and a quantitative analysis predicting likely extinction within twenty years or five generations.

Beale said, "From what we can tell, Republicans mostly now are dispersed among a few states in the southern United States, inhabiting the area that approximately, at one time, encompassed the Confederacy shortly before the outbreak of the Civil War, when this species first appeared in the United States. However, even in that geographical range, their numbers dwindle greatly outside of major and densely populated urban areas, though they are known to still be fairly plentiful in trailer parks, at gun and knife shows, and on the set of Duck Dynasty. But there's no question that their numbers are greatly reduced from just forty years ago, when they were still dispersed around large parts of the United States, including at one point California, where they are now classified as NT, or Near-threatened."

However, explained Beale, doing a quantitative analysis of the number of Republicans still in existence has been complicated by the spread of a new, invasive species of Republicans, possibly related to the GOP but exhibiting characteristics--like extreme aggression to people of different ethnicities, a predisposition to foam at the mouth when Donald Trump is giving a speech, and a considerably lower IQ than the average Republican--never before seen in this population.

Concluded Beale: "We are in the first phase of completing still another quantitative analysis of the population density and geographical range of Republicans nationwide to see if they still qualify for protected status under the Endangered Species Act, unless, of course, the small number of Republicans still inhabiting Washington, D. C. repeals this Act."

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