Written by Xavier Fairbanks
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Tuesday, 15 March 2016

image for Trump Exposed As "Drumpfy The Red Baboon"
Baboon

In recent news, Donald Trump has denied allegations that he escaped from the Bronx Zoo in the early 1980s. This comes despite multiple sources of proof and science based evidence that have been stacked against the famed businessman turned presidential candidate.

Trump, whose original name was Drumpfy the red bottomed baboon, was seen digging furiously at the sides of his enclosures by many attendants to the famous zoo. The issue became so serious, zookeepers were forced to use concrete to stabilize Drumpfy's cage.

It was on the evening of September the 19th in early 1980, a zookeeper and night watchman attest to seeing the ferocious primate begin his escape.

"It was like something out of King Kong", exclaimed zookeeper Jason Boogsby.

"He tore through the concrete and fencing like it was paper! The sounds,coming from the creature were inhuman. Racial slur after racial slur, followed by homophobic, contradictory rants; They were awful."

It wasn't long before many NY citizens reported seeing Drumpfy disappear into the sewers below Manhattan, as he fled law enforcement and animal control squads.

Once inside the sewers Deumpfy was as good as gone. Law enforcement was unsuccessful in finding the large racist primate. However, it was not without multiple searches and attempts at recovering the creature.

In the years to come, a new millionaire arose in the New York markets. He went by the name of Donald Trump, a name all too close to Drumpfy, reports the Bronx Zoo officials who requested to remain nameless for their protection.

"The proof is in the pudding", said one official.

"No human being can be that angry and that egotistical. It is just inhuman."

Jack Moriet, a longtime caretaker of Drumpfy reports that much of what is seen in the political tactics of the figure, Donald Trump, are truly the actions of the inner beast that has been hidden by mountains of plastic surgery in attempts to conceal a much wider agenda.

"There's a song, the 'shoop shoop song', to be exact. It asks, 'is it in his eyes?' It is in his eyes. Those lightened circles can be seen in many primates as they age and his attempts to conceal this have only rendered Drumpfy as the badly tanned, white supremacist, racially unkempt deviant he truly is.", says Moriet.

Moriet reported seeing Drumpfy wearing various suits that had been smuggled into the zoo by some of his early followers. It was then that Moriet caught a glimpse of Drumpfy's new disguise as Donald Trump before his various surgeries.

"He placed this awful set of teeth on and this mask. It looked like something from a horror film. Even Lon Cheney would have been afraid. He stood in the mirror muttering racial slurs and even attacked the homeless for taking up too much air and not paying to use it. He was a monster."

Soon after his escape, various towers began being constructed all over the world displaying the Trump name as an icon of success. He began to preach to the multitudes that he was the sworn leader for all and that he was the face of the true America.

"He may be able to hide his identity from us through his various plastic surgeries and costumes, but the dreadful nappy hair that has cursed him from childhood sits on top of his scrawny head like a beacon and testament to the monstrous beast he truly is and always will be", said Moriet.

It was this exact head of hair that Moriet and Zoo officials say caused him traumatic brain injuries in childhood due to its ability to capture heat. This heat retention eventually gave way to a meltdown that scrambled bits of his brain. It was from the moment of irreparable damage on a hot summer day Officials attribute the transformation of the once lovable primate into a diseased monster of a being, incapable of rational thought.

Moriet and Zoo Officials urge their fellow Americans to see and take warning to the various signs of Drumpfy's mentally ill rampage as he takes his place among candidates for the upcoming election. Enclosed is a list of various signs noted by officials that will demonstrate the insanity of Drumpfy and expose his true intentions to overthrow the nations of the world to hoard their collections of bananas.

1. Large Chaotic Rallies

These types of gatherings are common among primate communities. Their senseless banter and ravaging occur various times a year and have no significance, except for a male to show his dominance over his subordinates. It is a power struggle to be heard when they feel low in ranks and fear defeat.

2. Large flying Banana Shaped Projectiles

The creature may often use flashy vehicles or airplanes to demonstrate his dominance, however, upon further investigation, the floppy browning skin of rotting fruit can be seen and smelled if closely observed.

3. Unfashionable Head Gear

Due to Drumpfy's conditions and global warming's effect on the rising temperatures, Drumpfy can be seen wearing a red hat reading, "Make America Great Again", to protect his sensitive brain (or what is left). This hat's color is symbolic of the red anus that is commonly seen on Baboons and is a call to arms for the communities to revolt against humanity and steal all the bananas of the world.

4. Nonsensical Speeches

Contradictory speeches are common among primates as they seek control of others. Their lack of mental superiority matched by human beings superiority in processing tasks and thoughts, creates a sound that can be likened to human speech. In reality, these messages translate to racial slurs, homophobic remarks, contradictions, and false reports as the egotistical primate attempts to show superiority over subordinates. His ability to gather millions is simply in self gain to access all Banana supplies throughout the country and then the world.

5. Construction of Large Towers

In early Primate communities, large trees were used to store banana supplies for various tribes of primates. These trees, now an outdated security method to keep intruders from stealing the supplies, have been replaced by large skyscraper like towers. These towers mimic the appearance of a fully functional building, such as an office or hotel, but their true purpose is to store the Bananas that Drumpfy has already attained and continues to attempt to attain. His towers are also meant to be a deterrent of jokes or comments about the unfortunate length of his primate fingers, which were unable to be surgically corrected to appear human. Their sausage like appearance, is said to disappear in the 5 oclock shadows of his towers, making his egotistical and insecure self image a little less unbearable

6. Nervous Sweating and Compulsory lies

These can be seen simply in the lack of hair product one uses, yet continues to refer to himself as a professional and well styled person, or heard in speeches. This self defense mechanism is a way for the primate to deflect rational questions and provide an irrational answer in response. It is done in a manner that the tone of voice may reflect arrogance and ignorance. Unfortunately, the primate's downfall is that to him he is making sense, however to the rest of humanity, his language dialect is far different. Since he is incapable of showing compassion, love, honor, respect, and the ability to coexist, he cannot attain basic human characteristic. His inability to feel human emotion, he thinks, is masked in his speeches, though in reality, it is shown all the more.

7. Lack of Management/Functioning Ability

Because of the lack of executive functioning, this particular fellow dresses in a suit to further perpetuate the lie that he can execute any matter of sane or relevant thought. However, do not be fooled. This suit is simply a front to blind onlookers of the lack of management skills needed to successfully run a business, vehicle, or to properly groom and care for one's self, let alone masses of other beings.

This unfortunate quality is one seen in various extinct primate communities of the world dating back millions of years. Primates such as Drumpfy who lack this ability are said to be devolved creatures incapable of common sense, executive functioning, and financial stability. Such can be seen in Drumpfy's various failed business attempts in the past years such as Steaks at The Sharper Image, mortgage companies in the brink of an economic collapse that reveled the Great Depression, and various other failures that were mere attempts for the colossal monster to attempt to gain an upper hand on his subordinates, and to protect his most prized possession, the banana.

Zookeepers are on call 24/7, should you have further questions on how to identify the creature and a substantial reward is being offered for his capture and return to the Bronx Zoo. If anyone has any information on how Zookeepers may infiltrate his security forces, please contact them at 1800-555-Drumpfy

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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