Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Wednesday, 9 March 2016

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As part of the public service I provide to my faithful readers, occasionally I allow them access to some of the mail I receive from those whose toes I have put to the fire:

Dear Dr. Billingsgate,

Ever since I started campaigning for the presidency my husband has not been himself. He complains about everything; stomach problems, not being able to focus his eyes, and most troublesome of all, during his occasional romps in the hay with various bimbos I hear him cry out, "Baby, they hardly even knew ye." What do you suggest?


Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dear Hill,

Since this is the very first letter that I will address in this format, let me congratulate you for taking advantage of my services. Fortunately, the complexity of your problem allows me to use most, if not all, of my 13 doctorates.

First: Regarding your husband's stomach problems. It sounds like he suffers from acute pre-election-gastroesophagel reflux disease. In layman's terms, he can't stomach you being defeated.

Second: Regarding his inability to focus. If you are describing his reaction to when he looks at you, it is quite understandable that he has a problem focusing. Even with your charisma, you are, ahem, less than an eyefull.

Third: In respect to your hubby's haunting proclamation during sex, I doubt if he is talking to anyone in particular. Believe me, it's not unusual for a male to talk to his penis while engaging in sex.

NOTE: Since it is very satisfying to be able to combine my potpourri of thirteen doctorate degrees into one workable solution for you, please note that special emphasis was given to my degree in Taxidermy. If you ever need my services, you know how to reach me.

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