Written by annaconda
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Monday, 7 March 2016

Mayor Bill de Blasio and NYPD announced that consumption of alcohol, urinating in public or littering will henceforth be considered as minor offenses.

People will no longer be shackled at their ankles or handcuffed to a fire hydrant. The only grounds for using a Taser will be if a person urinates on the arresting officer. However, a summons will be issued to anyone with a BMI over 30 if they take up two subway seats.

He further made it clear, smoking organic mountain grown marijuana with dew on its leaves is acceptable. By contrast, individuals smoking synthetic marijuana may be detained at the discretion of the officer.

With new measures in place, police officers will no longer be required to brush up on their vocabulary. Statute 153.09. was replete with five dollar words.

For instance, the statute covers the following:
"Throwing or dropping offensive matter into streets, public places, rivers and other places prohibited. No person shall throw or put any blood, swill, brine, offensive animal matter, noxious liquid, dead animals, offal, putrid or stinking vegetable or animal matter or other filthy matter of any kind."

Urination falls under "other filth matter of any kind."

As expected, New Yorkers greeted the news with euphoria. They remembered the countless occasions when they had an urgency to use a loo but failed to find one. Using iphone for directions did little to ease the pain. When it came to voice command Siri mangled words. She misinterpreted "loo" for "Lulu." Wall street bankers, women and grandmothers alike ended up in front of a French bordello in the Upper East Side.

A reporter then asked the mayor what brought about the changes. He responded in French. "It is well known the nom de guerre for New York City is Gotham, a city of goat herders."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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