Written by Louise Michelle
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Thursday, 25 February 2016

In a desperate attempt to prove how tough he would be on illegal immigration, presidential candidate Ted Cruz vowed to attach a huge net to the wall he will build between Mexico and the United States.

"We no longer will allow migrating birds to mooch American insects and fruits," he said at a news conference today.

When confronted with the fact that most migrating birds are Americans to begin with, that they go further south only during winter months, Cruz did not falter. "How do you know they're Americans? It's not as if birds have legal documentation."

Without waiting for a reply, Cruz stated further that his plan would actually kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, because attaching a huge net to the wall would provide new jobs.

When asked to elaborate on this, Cruz said, "We'll hire specialized border control guards, trained in bludgeoning any birds that manage to bypass our net. New factories will be built to produce wooden bats. It's a win, win situation for our economy."

The press was so dumbfounded, not a single reporter could think of an appropriate rebuttal. When a pigeon flew in and pooped on Cruz's head, he smiled ear to ear and said, "That's definitely a sign from God." He then went into his usual tirade about what a good Christian he is.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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