BILLINGSGATE POST: As each of the competitors for best in show at the 140th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show on Tuesday night approached the judge, he told them he would like to hear them bark. He listened to each of the dogs, cupping his right ear to better hear them, then had them take one last lap around the ring at Madison Square Garden and headed straight to the judge's table to write down his decision:
He chose Hillary, a 68-year-old female Laughing Hyena.
A last minute entry who established her credentials only Monday night in Reno, Nevada, by barking during a stump speech, Hillary defeated Bernie, a Jewish shepherd who entered the show as the top purebred socialist for the past 10 years.
Her handler, Huma Abedin, was more emotional than owner, Slick Willie, kissing the rival handlers, then dropping to her knees to hug and kiss Hillary, who only wanted her belly tickled and be loved by all.
"I just couldn't believe it," she said afterward. "For us in the sport, this is the pinnacle. We have been striving to beat Bernie for months. The very best dogs come hear. To finally beat Bernie is just amazing."
Throughout the news conference, liver-and-white Hillary rarely deviated from her serene, unaffected demeanor, other than to roll over on her ample belly and "ARF! ARF!" in the same tone as she used in Reno the night before.
So it will be Hillary, not Bernie, who is off on the winner's media tour on Wednesday morning, heading to "Good Morning America," and other morning shows. Such are the spoils of being top dog.
NOTE: This victory will also make Hillary eligible to compete against Wilmer, the dachshund who ran away with the world speed record for diarrhea. Using the equation: T=VxL (Time = Velocity X Length), which is the standard diarrhea measurement formula for dogs, each canine's alimentary canal is measured from mouth to ass and fed a Chicago style pepperoni pizza; then clocked to see how long it takes to travel through the canal.
As recounted in an earlier BILLINGSGATE POST article, little Wilmer, who took all of 12 seconds to devour the pizza, scampered around in circles until he ran out of gas. Then, in less than 57 seconds, squatted on the linoleum floor and squirted out the pizza. Such are the spoils of being top dog.