Written by StubbornGorilla
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Friday, 12 February 2016

image for Montgomery Brewster surges in polls after other candidates prove themselves schmucks

In the latest Gallup poll, a relative unknown candidate has begun gaining traction due mostly to the ineptitude and downright lackluster performances put on by the other previously front running candidates. Montgomery Brewster, made famous in the early eighties when his late great uncle Rupert Horn made him go through a madcap thirty million dollar spending spree in order to earn his true three hundred million dollar inheritance, saw his numbers jump dramatically after the New Hampshire Primary.

Brewster gained national attention in 1985 when he ran a mock campaign against Salvino & Heller to prevent either corrupt politician from winning the New York mayoral election. In 2016 Brewster is back to his old tricks, going so far as to renew his "None of the Above" moniker. This time he has set his sights on the highest office in the land, taking on the multitude of unqualified, corrupt and downright ridiculous candidates that are running for President of the United States. Brewster is running on both the democratic and republican tickets, due to the "lack of a worthwhile candidate offered from either party."

Asked if running a dual campaign was a mockery of the democratic process, Brewster replied, "the real mockery of the system is that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton both still have a good shot at being President."

When questioned about the other candidates, Brewster was equally skeptical, "Bernie Sander's heart is in the right place, but he has as much a chance at getting the things he wants done as a fly does at eating an entire pile of horse shit." When asked about the other Republican candidates, Montgomery Brewster would only comment, "talk about horse shit..."

When asked what he thought he could possibly accomplish by his actions Montgomery explained, "It's not like I don't respect America or the political system we have in place fellas. I'd just hate to see someone who doesn't have a majority of the peoples' best interest in mind become President. Trust me, I'd rather be playing catch with some of my buddies from the Hackensack Bulls than be standing up here in front of you today. I'm just doing what I feel is right to grab the American peoples' attention, and let them know that they need to let their voice be hared if they don't want to keep having clowns like these run for office."

It is not yet clear if Brewster's election is legal, ethical or even real, but one is hard to argue with the fact that "None of the Above" certainly seems like the best choice that Americans have at this point.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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