Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw
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Saturday, 6 February 2016

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Firm buyer for Playboy Mansion

After only a few short weeks on the market, it appears that the Playboy Mansion has attracted a firm purchase offer from, of all parties, the Government of Canada.

McKenzie Brothers Real Estate, acting on Canada's behalf, has revealed that their purchase offer is contingent on only one condition:

"We're meeting their price of 800 million, but we're paying in Canadian dollars. If they don't want to accept our money at par, they can, like, take off, eh," asserted realtor Doug McKenzie.

Added his brother Bob: "It's what we call 'True Dough', eh."

Politely ignoring this horrible pun, newly minted Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau explained his government's plan to dismantle the Playboy Mansion and transport it to Ottawa on a fleet of specially constructed flatbed trailers.

"Then," he enthused, "we can finally torch that drafty old wigwam at 24 Sussex Drive and erect something more stylish in its place."

Further plans include turning the mansion's pool into a hockey rink, and appointing only males to the position of Playboy bunny until gender parity is achieved. ("Because," explained Trudeau, "it's 2016.")

Hugh Heffner is welcome to continue living in the mansion if he is willing to relocate to Ottawa. His reaction: "Just legalize marijuana, like you promised, and I'll be there in a heartbeat. That shit's just as good as Viagra any day!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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