Written by Michael Balton
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Saturday, 23 January 2016

image for Presidential candidates to personally test Flint's water
The Flint Highball: looks like beer, tastes like lead

Flint, Michigan - Determined to win back the good name of government, all of the remaining contenders for the presidency have agreed to personally test and evaluate the municipal water supply of this beleaguered city.

"How bad can it be?" demanded front runner Donald Trump. "Where I grew up in Queens, you had to rely on the butler to bring you your water. You had to trust him there was no lead in your glass. Because as we all know now, lead make you stupid. And as I have pointed out again and again. We already have all the stupid people we can use. More than enough, let's put it that way."

Sen. Ted Cruz (Republican-Texas) voiced his opposition to allowing any lead damaged citizens to stay in the country. "We have all the nut jobs we can use already, thank you," he explained. "Consider the presidential field for example."

Dr. Ben Carson, who is a retired neurosurgeon, provided a detailed analysis of how lead plumbing led to the destruction of the Roman Empire. "No one knows how it turned out, since everyone in the crowd took the opportunity for some spontaneous napping," said one refreshed reporter.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton took a philosophical view of the situation. "We will be laughing about this by the time the election cycle comes around again," she said. " I just hope the children of Flint have enough brain cells left to appreciate the humor."

On the Independent side, Sen. Bernie Sanders (independent/Democrat-Vermont) vehemently pointed out that the lead problem only affects the 1%. "We must check if these are the same fatcats as the ones on Wall Street," he reasoned. "And we need to know if they got that way by eating lead."

"With you it's always 1%," countered Donald Trump. "I'll tell you what. For you, I will build a wall to keep the 1% out. And will make them pay for it. From what you are telling us, they can afford it."

There has been no scheduling announced when any of the candidates are going to visit Flint to sample the product of its taps.

"I can't consume another thing until after the primaries," said Gov. Chris Christie (Republican-New Jersey). " And stay away from me with that very thin wafer. I'm stuffed!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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