An orangutan named Buzz Tolstoy has just had sex with Donald Trump's hairpiece, Kern County's Channel 13 news has just confirmed.
The real estate mogul and presidential GOP frontrunner, 70, was just wrapping up a campaign rally in Bakersfield, California, when the aforementioned Buzz Tolstoy jumped onto the podium, snatched the hairpiece off Mr. Trump's head, and then continued to have sex with it, over and over again, right there on the stage.
"We were just trying to track Buzz down. He had escaped earlier from the Bakersfield Zoo. When we finally got to the rally, Buzz was really pounding away at the wig. Which was pretty much unrecognizable by that point," said zookeeper Joseph Henderson, 28
Indeed. It was a real bad mess. Children of Trump supporters were focusing their gazes elsewhere, or covering their with eyes with their fingers, while the grisly assault on the hairpiece continued to take place, with no indication of letup whatsoever.
Hannah Burrows, another zookeeper, was not surprised at all by Tolstoy's attraction to "The Donald's" hairpiece.
"Tolstoy is not a degenerate. He saw something bright and orange and wild-looking; he felt that it was of his own breed. And then he had his way with it. So what? Given the circumstances, the act of consummation between orangutan and and a wild-looking orange-colored hairpiece was totally natural."
Trump is incensed, according to his longtime press secretary, Darin Whitfield. "The Donald feels totally traumatized and emasculated," Darin told Channel 13 news, in a exclusive interview. "He promises that, once he's in office, he's going to build a huge wall around all the zoos in the United States, lest anything like this ever happens again."