Written by Jeff Wish
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Topics: Restaurants

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Just one month ago, another restaurant where the servers are explicitly told to be rude to the customers opened in the city of West Hollywood. The American-style bistro, named "Giant Dicks" for obvious pun related reasons, has already had to close it's doors after dozens of customers have reportedly suffered from depression, suicidal tendencies and bulimia.

The restaurant's owner, Dan Gilding, recalls when he had the idea to open the business: "My wife and I were eating at a Dick's Last Resort in San Diego. The waiters are told to be rude there and we thought it was a lot of fun. We then thought, hey, the gay people where we're from in L.A. are twice as rude as these people without even trying. We should open one of these there. But we had no idea how cunty these gays could be if that type of behavior was encouraged. I, myself, was afraid to check in on the restaurant for fear of my outfit or hair style being mocked. No one was prepared for this level of verbal brutality."

Alissa Meyer's sister, Emily, has recently checked into a mental institution stemming from an encounter at Giant Dicks. Alissa recalls: "Emily had just gotten her hair cut short and I thought it looked really cute. We went to the restaurant and the servers jumped all over her, calling her: Lame Judi Dench, crack-addicted Michelle Williams and Les Mis Anne Hathaway. It was the last remark that really got to her. No girl should be compared to Anne Hathaway, that's just taking it too far."

One server, named Stefen, accounted for almost half of the psychological fallout from the restaurant's brief stint. Manager, Dustin Jones, remembers interviewing Stefen: "I wasn't going to give him the job because he had little experience and was fired from every job he ever had. But when I walked away he picked up his cell phone and began talking about me behind my back. His words were damaging and deeply penetrating. He was the rudest person I had ever met, so it felt appropriate to give him the job. When I told him the effect of his words he replied that damage and deep penetration were his specialties. I tried to have minimal contact with Stefen after that."

"Stefen was a trailblazer at that restaurant," fellow server Angelo recounts. "The first time a table asked him to take pictures of them, he instead took five selfies of himself without them noticing until they got their phone back and he had walked away. That became a restaurant standard. He also had the brilliant idea of making a verbal agreement with tables to add an automatic 25% if he could get one of the patrons at the table to cry. He really cleaned up."

One customer noted: "Stefen could walk up and immediately identify your most guarded insecurity. He was like a gay Hannibal Lecter."

Stefen, a self described "super catty bitch," is devastated by the closure: "I've never had a job that I excelled at so much or had so much fun doing. It really sucks to lose your job for being too good at it." Stefen is still in search of employment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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