Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Friday, 8 January 2016

image for Darth Money Announces His Candidacy for President in 2016
The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of fossil fuels to spur the United Empire's economy.

WASHINGTON, D. C.--Darth Money, representing the newly-formed Sith Party, has announced his candidacy for President of the United Empire.

Funded largely through 501 non-profits and similar organizations, Darth Money is running on a platform that includes the continuing denial of global warming, the propagating of the use of fossil fuels in the Empire's and world's economies, the expansion of gun ownership for every man, woman, child, and fetus in the United Empire, the suppression of voting rights for people of color, the decimation of the safety net for citizens of the Empire, and the establishment of Ayn Rand as the official mascot for the United Empire.

Said Darth Money, breathing heavily behind the dark helmet he wears to retain his anonymity, "My plan to take over the United Empire will soon be implemented. Don't underestimate the technological advances we have made in the twenty-first century! The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of fossil fuels to spur the United Empire's economy. I find the lack of faith in fossil fuels and free market principles by the rebel environmentalists in this Empire disturbing."

At this late date, Darth Money is not sure that he can get on enough state ballots to qualify for the upcoming primaries in the United Empire. If that turns out to be the case, he plans to simply kill all of the other candidates for president and, with Charles and David Koch, jointly set up a plutocracy in the United Empire, before threatening to use the Death Star to conquer the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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