BILLINGSGATE POST: Secret Service agents, joined by ACME/Wile E Coyote Pest Control, are still searching for the rogue robotic gerbil that allegedly attacked Hillary Clinton during her restroom break this past Saturday night.
Just as Mrs. Clinton was sitting down, she claims one of Bill's pet robotic gerbils jumped out of her purse and sought refuge in her ample behind. Her intermittent screams and giggles evidently alerted her Secret Service detail, who broke down the door to the restroom only to be confronted by what Agent Anita Silver described as a "hysterical Hillary Clinton cornered in a stall by a rogue robotic gerbil about the size of a small rat."
Although most gerbils are fundamentally peace-loving in their natural state, ACME spokesperson, Wile E Coyote, says that sex toy manufacturers have listened to the demands of customers who want "an even more vigorous experience." By combining a vibration sequential with an emotional humanoid interaction, the little devil can be both charming and considerate, offering advice and capable of prattling on and on while making small talk as it carries out its programmed mission.
Explains Wile E Coyote:
"This is not some slapped together toy of a robot. It's the first convincing semblance of a step toward combining artificial intelligence with the fantasized 'ultimate' in lower alimentary canal enjoyment."
"ACME/Coyote Pest Control takes this incident seriously. We will continue to work with the Secret Service to capture this critter before he spills the beans regarding his encounter with Hillary Clinton."
"Trust me. We will get to the bottom of this."