Written by Doug Shokes
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Thursday, 10 December 2015

A U.S. physicist and inventor announced today that he plans to soon release a product he calls the "Mini Nuke." He intends to introduce his product through the fast-growing conglomerate known as Paradise Industries.

Dr. John Dietrich, a professor at the University of North Dakota, claims that the primary purpose of the Mini Nuke will be to "instantly remove dangerously rising squirrel populations from rural areas." Anticipating a backlash from environmental groups, Dietrich explains: "Responsible use of the Mini Nuke will not likely cause intergenerational damage to human populations."

To allay the fears of alarmists, he states the product assumes the benign shape of a common gun. It will be endorsed by the NRA and sold as a "rodent-control rifle" instead of a nuclear weapon. "This weapon, if you want to call it that, will be only slightly more lethal than your basic assault rifle and will address a growing problem for vulnerable people who lack adequate protection from squirrels." With overwhelming support for his product from the NRA, followed by support from many grateful congresspersons, he has managed to gain government approval to begin marketing.

Even so, the doctor realizes his product will be a hard sell to some in the general public. And he acknowledges that his slogan, "Nuclear devices don't kill people, people do," could be a short-lived palliative. Anticipating this, Dietrich is putting together a small staff of writers to create more and better slogans.

Asked if he worries about the danger of radioactive materials getting into the wrong hands, he replied that the same background checks that apply to "your standard AK 47" would apply to Mini Nukes. He added, "If bad people get hold of them, more good people will just have to buy them-so it's a win-win situation as far as I can see." Reportedly, the NRA agrees.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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