Written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw
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Sunday, 6 December 2015

image for Paradise Unsure of What to Do With Martyr Couple
What the eff am I supposed to do with these two martyrs?

"This has us stumped," said a spokesangel in Paradise. "I mean, do we give them each seventy-two virgins? Do we make them share the same seventy-two? In the latter case, should there be thirty-six male virgins and thirty-six female?"

"Or, do we give her seventy-two pimple-faced awkward teenage boys? Sure, lots of them joined ISIS and got blown to smithereens, but they, in turn, were promised seventy-two virgins of their own, and she doesn't qualify. Plus, breaking in seventy-two of these lads hardly seems like a fitting reward for a job well done. Heck, it's more like punishment! (Don't ask me how I know this...ahem...)"

"Do we maybe give her seventy-two teenage girls and task her with teaching them how to please a woman? Hell, no! That's the sort of thing unbelievers watch on the internet. Men of faith wouldn't enjoy watching that spectacle one bit!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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