Written by Amiko Aventurista
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Saturday, 28 November 2015

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Abe The Turkey Rejects Obama

Abe the Turkey, has rejected the president's yearly tradition of pardoning a turkey every thanksgiving. Reading from a prepared statement, Abe's attorney's Lorenzo De Pavo, explained that his client has no reason to accept a pardon because that would imply he is guilty. "Only the guilty accept pardons and my client is innocent and is guilty of nothing other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time".

The news shocked the White House. At a hastily arranged news conference, Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary was clearly embarrassed as he addressed reporters. "The Administration worked closely with the National Turkey Growers Association on a compromise. We all agreed to slaughter 145,328,612 turkeys and pardon one. The president believes a fair and balanced arrangement was reached, but in hindsight its clear that we cannot negotiate with extremist, such as Abe".

Agricultural Secretary, Tom Vilsack, served as the lead negotiator on the pardon and therefore is clearly in the hot seat after Abe rejected the pardon. Washington insiders and Republicans pounced on the situation and are blaming Vilsack for not properly vetting Abe and some are calling for his resignation. Senator Pat Roberts, Chairman of the Senate Committee on Agriculture, said "Vilsack needs to go. He's the turkey! He let Abe upstage the president. Vilsack should have known better, after all Abe is well known as a guy you can't trust".

When asked about his future, Abe indicated he might take the same route as Edwin Snowden and ask for political asylum in a foreign nation. Abe said he would fly to India if he could but he can't. He explained that he would like to seek asylum in India, specifically the state of Maharashtra, where the population is overwhelming vegetarian. "Maharashtra is a place where a turkey dressing means putting on your Sunday best not sauce on my back."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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