A Senate committee on the Syrian refugee crisis held a press conference in Twin Peaks, California this morning to discuss their recommendations on U.S. policy towards granting asylum to Syrian refugees.
"We can't let any of the men into the country," announced Senator Buck Summers. "With their low, dark, bushy eyebrows and abundant body hair, they're just too scary looking. We can't take that risk, so we decided to accept only women."
"But," he continued, "there are tens of millions of these women, so how do we decide which ones to take? Well, if we specify a minimum size D bra cup, we whittle the pool down to about one million. Up that to an F-cup, and we have about a hundred thousand, in round figures."
"And, wow!" he enthused, while scrolling through some FBI photographs. "We're talking about some deliciously round figures! Come to papa, baby!" he moaned while gesticulating with cupped hands and wriggling fingers.
At this point, Senator Barb E. Dahl of Grand Teton, Wyoming interjected: "There won't likely be any suicide bombers among this pool of immigrants. The FBI invited me, Sierra Paylin, and other buxom politicians to try on some mock-ups of explosive vests. Not one of us could manage to zip them up. Personally, I was afraid that my industrial-duty beauties would get squooshed out around my armpits, so I didn't even try. Sorry if I disappointed the young FBI interns who were photographing the event!"
"And," she continued, "while I'm on a roll here, I'm sure the new arrivals will soon discover that cops and security guards in this country will seize any opportunity to pat them down. That's not even to mention the gaggle of young bucks who gather round the viewing monitor in wide-eyed, slack-jawed amazement whenever I or any of my curvy cohorts pass through the T-ray machine at the airport!"
After a brief silence, Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton volunteered to have her husband serve on the screening committee. "It'll keep his mind and hands occupied, and maybe then I'll be able to get a good night's sleep."
Regaining his composure, Senator Summers concluded: "I think we can all agree that our country already has all the annoying, whiny, flat-chested feminazis it needs."
As if on cue, an annoying, mammary-challenged protester from the Association of American Citizens for a Unified Progressive Society (A.A.C.U.P.S.) rushed the stage, seized the microphone and whined: "This is what we get when we appoint a top-heavy bureaucracy! The big girls get all the support! It's not fair!"
She was promptly removed from the premises by a pair of big bouncers..