BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since Davey Crockett first covered his receding hairline with a coonskin hat has there been anything close to this. Crack BILLINGSGATE investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Tricks" Detwiler, was the first to notice the black piercing eyes peering out from underneath the comb-over on top of Donald Trump's head.
"What the Hell is that?" screamed Dirty Tricks. "It looks like two piss holes in a snowbank," exclaimed a young lady taken aback by the imagery. "I think I'm going to freak out!"
"Can you imagine President Putin taking Trump seriously when he sees a raccoon hiding out underneath his hair?" asked Dr. Carson.
Folks, we got problems. When the Hadron Collider went amok, one of the images it displayed was a picture of President Obama, showing him as a totally black vacuum except for his white teeth dancing like two chorus lines of chicklets. Lest you forget, the Hadron converter has not been heard about since.
The Trumpster, when asked about the albino raccoon who had taken possession of his famous locks, shrugged dismissively.
Asked if there was any truth to the rumor that he has only one 600 foot hair on his head that is wound around and through ever which way to cover his whole head, he responded with a knowing smile; "I will have my hair dresser call your hair dresser."
** This story is just another example of factual journalism that exceeds all expectations of fundamental excellence in the art of the written word.