Written by Bobby Dazzler
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Thursday, 15 October 2015

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Dude, Get Off the Tube

In a controversial move announced today, all transport companies across the USA will be taking steps to ban men from using public transport at peak times.

This follows a successful campaign by Free the Space, an activist group founded by Chloe Bender. Ms Bender, 36 from New York City, who works as a fish gutter recently made a major scientific discovery with a tape measure.

She explains, "When riding subways, particularly during the rush hour, I would often feel my own personal space being invaded by the presence of other people. It's a violation of my privacy which needed addressing.

"I took it upon myself to measure total strangers with my tape measure in order to discover who was taking up the most space. I discovered that men, by and large, have broader chests and shoulders than women, and that women were having to physically shrink in order to fit around them.

"No woman should ever have to be made to feel small. On an even more serious note men, with their bigger lungs, were using more oxygen.' This is a phenomenon known as Manbreathing, which has already seen men banned from using elevators. 'On a crowded train this could be potentially fatal to women.

"I immediately set up Free the Space and took my scientific findings to the transport department."

Ms Bender's campaign gained immediate traction, however it has been met with strong opposition from both men and women claiming it is sexist.

"To say this campaign is in anyway sexist is utterly ludicrous," said Ms Bender. "Men are still more than welcome to ride public transport. No one wants to ban them completely, that would be stupid. However, they can only travel between the hours of 10am and 4pm. When women's lives are at risk I think this is a very small sacrifice to make."

She also claims it will benefit men. "Having to walk, cycle or jog to and from work will make men fitter, stronger and healthier. It's a win-win situation."

A poster campaign entitled Dude Get Off the Tube, has been rolled out across the United States warning men to not travel during peak times. Any man in violation of this new law will be sent on a government funded re-education programme called My Body Your Space teaching them how not to abuse their anatomical privilege. Their full IDs will also be publicly displayed outside all stations and their pictures published on Tumblr.

Ms Bender was cautious in her celebrations today. 'Of course this is a major victory for Free the Space, however our work is not yet done. We will not rest until this law has been implemented worldwide and beyond. '

As compensation for the years of discomfort and misery caused to women they will all be offered free travel during peak hours. Ms Bender has been tipped for the Nobel Peace Prize for her tireless work.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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