Written by Michael Balton
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Wednesday, 7 October 2015

image for New Volkswagen model not only cheats, but gets away with it
The new VW looks like the old beetle. But it is loaded with 21st century lies.

Wolfsburg, Germany - Roundly criticized for selling cars that cheat on environmental emissions tests, Volkswagen AG is fighting to win its reputation back. The company has introduced a new model that can lie, cheat and scheme without getting caught.

Called the Fibbit, the new midsize VW comes standard with what Volkswagen calls a Plan B Computer. The system offers several escape modes, each of which can get the car, and its owner, out of a particular predicament.

So for instance, the Bribery Mode taps Volkswagen's riches to pay off inspectors or other authorities who find discrepancies in the car's safety or emissions performance.

Alibi Mode creates actual stories that the car uses to talk its way out of such annoyances as speeding tickets or parking violations.

Smuggling Mode is for drivers who want to get in on the lucrative illegal drug trade. It features songs from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack.

Moonshine Mode puts a little bit of country into Das Auto. It provides spoken instructions on how to build a still, how to use a still, and how to stay out of jail when you're caught with the still.

Taxman Mode is a tribute to George Harrison, who never paid a tax he didn't like. Forget about cars that drive themselves. This car does your 1040 for you, then takes you out bowling with the refund.

The Fibbit will arrive in Volkswagen dealerships this spring as a 2016 model. Of course, you never know with Volkswagen. It has been known to stretch the truth.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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