WASHINGTON, DC - As climate change kills off some of their favorite things, liberals have responded to those losses by evolving shrill voices and more red pigment in their faces. Conservatives, on the other hand, have grown more rounded shoulders and sharp indentations in their foreheads.
There has long been suspicion that liberals and conservatives are two distinct species, but this latest study seems to confirm that.
The $17.3 billion study, funded by the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) tracked 17 liberals and 2 conservatives over the course of 13 years. The survey concluded that, on average, the mean frequency of liberal's voices has risen to 12.6KHz, up from 9.3KHz. Conservative's shoulders have drooped 1.2 inches and have developed indentations in their foreheads averaging 0.4 inches.