New York, NY. In a shocking report surprising many across the political landscape, Donald Trump has issued a statement of apology that begins by saying, "I would like to apologize for all the inflammatory, insulting and divisive statements I've made throughout this campaign." He followed up by saying, "This is the mother of all apologies, it's the greatest apology ever made, see the way I pronounced the 'So' into the 'rrr' into the 'eee'? It was the clearest, most sincere you ever heard. It's just terrific."
The real estate mogul read the full statement at a recent press conference, and fielded a number of tough, hard-hitting questions. Matt Harper asked if the apology was particularly timed after his latest strings of comments were criticized describing the remote Anuta Polynesian tribe for having "ugly huts" and "weird hair-styles." He said in response, "Not at all, the apology came because it was the right time to apologize. All those times people were asking me to apologize were wrong and stupid. This is already the best apology of all time."
Some believe the comments towards the small island of 300 were motivated by it being the last inhabited settlement left to be untouched by a Trump tirade. Democratic party officials expressed skepticism and claimed the apology was extremely well-timed, and was simply a result of exhausting all potential recipients of insults
Chair of the DNC, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, added, "He just ran out of people to talk down on, thats why he's doing this now." Others however, were more trustworthy. Matt Humbug, a self-affirmed Trump supporter stated, "I take him at his word, if he says he's sorry, he is. Although, he would never need to apologize."
When asked if those he has previously spoken on, do not accept the blanket apology, Trump responded, "Listen, anyone who doesn't accept this is just a loser. They're all losers, and just plain idiots. Anyone who's ever worked for me or done business with me knows I make the best apologies and no one else even comes close."
Trump also compared his apology to that of Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, stating, "All she said was 'Im sorry' who's gonna believe that? with that face? those eyes? that mouth lips and tongue? That vocal chord? Give me a break."
The full apology statement can be found on his website.