Written by Keith Shirey
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Sunday, 13 September 2015

Donald Trump, at a hastily called news conference, today announced that he would no longer be a candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

In exiting, the billionaire builder explained, "I only ran for the nomination to have some fun and to prove what my hero, P.T. Barnum -the circus showman -famously said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Trump stated that his candidacy was just "an act to see how many losers out there would support a man playing the role of a "racist, bigoted, ignorant woman-hating loudmouth."

"Can you believe it," laughed Trump, "I'm ahead in all of the GOP presidential polls! How could anyone support a man like me who would spend a trillion dollars to round up 16 million undocumented workers! How could anyone support a man who has no real policy positions on anything! How could anyone support a candidate who has zero experience in politics and doesn't understand how government works?"

"But worst of all how could millions of Americans want a guy like me, as I presented myself, to be President? Do they really want an egomaniac, a shallow ignorant blowhard to be their leader? Look, I'm mentally ill. I have a classic narcissistic personality disorder."

Trump concluded by saying that "it wasn't fun discovering that P.T. Barnum was right but that a large percentage of GOP voters were not just "suckers." I found out that the U.S. is populated by drool cup idiots." Trump went on," Americans are racists, ignorant as posts, stupid asses, and complete loser dummies. A recent poll shows that in a head to head contest with Hillary, I'd be elected. That really frightens me. I would have no idea what to do if elected. I am leaving the U.S. and will become a citizen of Denmark where the people are sane."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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