Written by Kishonna Gray
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Monday, 7 September 2015

image for Upholding constitutional rights proves an easy feat for one University

President Tonto recently upheld the constitutional protection for students to bear arms within the classroom and other public and private areas on the campus of Dumas State University. For weeks, students have staged sit-ins and demonstrations evoking their rights for constitutional protections in the classroom and on campus. While this moved has been praised by most, schools within DSU's conference have boycotted the campus as there was a shooting after last weekend's lost to the University of Dinero.

But being inspired by the recent events at Washington State University where the President upheld students rights to free speech in Cultural Studies, Dumas State is following suit.

"If it's in the Constitution, then it's in the classroom. I mean, that's the only way we can truly be a functional university and ensure higher learning," the President said in a phone interview.

"We recognize that students should be afforded all of the protections the founding fathers fought so hard for. So they have the right carry guns in the cafeteria, have them in their dorms, at the games, etc. They are also allowed to express themselves freely without restrictions or the stress of political correctness," the President continued.

Payaso Daft, VP of Academic Affairs, has formed a committee that will also review words that students can now incorporate into their writing which was on the list of demands by the student government led protest.

As the document outlines, students can now use tranny, illegal alien, and even text talk such as LOL, IKR, WRUD, and PLZ.

"We've carefully reviewed each text talk phrase and they will be adopted as official words that students can incorporate into their academic papers, in email exchanges with professors, and others academic spaces on campus," Vice President Daft continued.

Another success of having inclusive language is the use of terms such as wetback, kike, spic, and Jap which had previously been reserved for academic purposes only. The Provosts committee has stated that any use of these terms, as long as it's within the university setting can be used.

Maggie Maudit, a graduate student, expresses relief at the additions to the academic language on campus.

"I'm completing my thesis on Black popular culture in the 90's and was growing tired of constantly using Black and African-Americans. Instead, I now interchange the word Nigger, Coon, and even porch monkey. It has truly expanded my vocabulary and writing."

Other students express a bit of concern about writing their papers with this inclusive language.

"I been saying these words for a while now, grew up with them. And it's about time I can start writing them in my papers. But these papers sometimes infringe on my right to assembly. And since that's the first amendment, it must be the most important," said Mr. Boba, a Communications major, as he continues to skip class opting to demonstrate instead. "Hey, it's my right, right?" Mr. Boba emphatically added.

An additional provision which hasn't received as much attention is that 4.20 is now designated as the official smoke break on campus, both A.M. and P.M.

"This one we're trying not to broadcast. We had just went smoke free on campus but now we have rescinded that oppressive policy and set up tobacco, marijuana, and other stations where students can purchase items to smoke freely and at will. We wouldn't want to infringe on their rights," Vice President Daft stated.

Other students are hoping their concerns are also addressed. Mensa, a fifth year Junior, wanted to reinstate Article I, Section 2 of the Constitution which, in practice on campus, would reduce the amount of scholarships Black students receive by 3/5's.

"This whole affirmative action thing has gotten out of control. And since it's not in the Constitution, we don't' recognize it. These students should be reduced back to 3/5's in all regards. Well except the athletes," Mensa posted on the SGA Facebook page.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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