Written by Samuel Vargo
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Topics: Florida

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

image for Florida grandmother wants a homeless man 'iced' for giving her grandchildren lice
If you want to get on grandma's good side, give the little ones lollipops and not lice.

NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - A central Florida woman may be going to the hoosegow for a while for allegedly making plans to hire a 'hit man' to kill the homeless man who she reportedly believes gave her grandchildren lice.

That old adage and common Facebook post, "You might give me those nasty bugs, but don't mess with my grandma," has taken on atomic proportions in relation to 50-year-old Pamela Vanorsdale, who has been charged with criminal solicitation to commit murder.

According to police reports, Vanorsdale wanted 22-year-old Dylan Loveless deader than dead when she discovered her grandchildren came home with lice. New Smyrna Beach police learned of the plot when 33-year-old Daniel Dionne told an officer his former mother-in-law recently asked him to "pop" the boyfriend with a .25-caliber handgun, according to 12 News.

There's nothing like keeping crime in the family. Police reports also read that Vanorsdale told Dionne to dump Loveless' body in South Carolina, 12 News reports.

Presently out on bail, there isn't any word on whether Vanorsdale has hired a lawyer, or will use a public defender, act as her own attorney, or will hire an exterminator to defend her in any upcoming trials. Police say this grueling grandmother admitted to asking Dionne to kill Loveless, but Vanorsdale claims that she was joking, according to 12 News.

According to a Monday, August 24 post on The Daytona Beach News-Journal: Dionne said Vanorsdale called him Thursday about 9:30 p.m. and asked him to kill Loveless. Vanorsdale said she could provide Dionne with a .25-caliber handgun with two bullets, and that since Loveless is small, two bullets would do the job if Dionne were to "pop him (Loveless) in the head and chest," investigators said.

Vanorsdale said she also wanted Loveless dead because he messed with Dionne's children, choked one of the kids and chased another child with dogs while making sexual comments to the child, police said in The Daytona News-Journal article.

Hells fucking bells, where do these crazy, fucking, sociopathic psychopaths come from?! Do they climb out from under rocks? Is this the home of the free and the brave or is it nothing less than an insane asylum built to hold more than 300 million people?

It's hard to believe in what's supposed to be a civilized society, such miscreants and degenerates actually exist. Yes, dear reader, it makes one almost want to get one's passport out and take a one-way airplane ride to Mongolia, Sudan, or Siberia.

And there is no way that Vanorsdale can ever just laugh this off as some kind of family joke. According to The Daytona News-Journal, Vanorsdale said she would lure Loveless from the homeless camp by telling Loveless she had work for him, police said.

The Daytona News-Journal also says that Vanorsdale wanted her handgun back because she could clean it and make it look like it was never fired, according to police reports. And then Vanorsdale allegedly called Dionne to postpone a scheduled meeting to give him the handgun after Vanorsdale learned Loveless had moved his homeless camp. She told Dionne she would call him back once she learned Loveless' new location. Vanorsdale's husband provided police the .25-caliber handgun discussed in the plot to murder Loveless, police said.

Well grandma, it's not going to take Lt. Joe Kenda the homicide hunter to crack this nut. A security guard who's been smoking crack could place all the pieces of this whacko murder-for-hire scenario together like a kid's five-piece jigsaw puzzle. And don't be looking for James Patterson to write a true-crime article on this, either. Your little fiasco is even too strange and diabolical for even him. But out of fairness, I will say that Dylan Loveless is such an unsavory character, using an antagonist like him in any story would cause most readers to throw that copy of Nut Case Grandmothers & Their So-Called Hit Men across the room and into the fireplace, where it will burst into flames.

You're dead to rights here, Pamela Vanorsdale; and although Dylan Loveless may be a societal pariah of the first water, you should have known better than to hatch some harebrained plot to hire an exterminator to exterminate him. You should have simply taken out a restraining order for Loveless, sprayed him down with Raid, filed for custody or your grandkids, and disowned your daughter for having such a vermin as a boyfriend.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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