Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Wednesday, 26 August 2015

image for The Republican Party Rewrites the Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Republican Party, responding to the powerful Tea Party faction of its base (which assures the GOP establishment that it knows the original intent of the founding fathers even more than the founders themselves could have known it at the time), has rewritten the U. S. Constitution, to reflect the reality of today's increasingly diverse, scary political and demographic landscape.

Here are some excerpts from the rough draft of the newly revised Constitution:

"Congress shall only make laws respecting the establishment of Christianity, and prohibiting the free exercise of Islam, Wiccan, Atheism, etc; and Congress shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, unless such speech represents the Left or any Progressive Cause; and it will allow mobs peaceably to assemble, fully armed, to petition the government for a redress of their specific grievances.

A self-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of states like Texas that are scared shitless by brown or black people in places of high station, shall bear as many guns as they shall deem necessary to arm themselves against their enemies, real and imagined.

The right of white people to be secure in their persons, houses, cars, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated. As for all other citizens, they can go fuck themselves.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments--excepting lethal injection, hanging, asphyxiation, or electrocution--inflicted.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people, unless "people" is construed to mean Hispanic, African-American, Asian, Native American, or a gay or transgender person of any ethnicity.

All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, excluding anchor babies of Hispanic origin, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States, again, excluding anchor babies of Hispanic origin; nor shall any State deprive any white person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any white, heterosexual person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex, on the condition that wives confer with their husbands, rabbis, pastors, or priests before entering the voting booth."

In addition to amending earlier Amendments to the Constitution (pursuant to Article 5 of the Constitution, which, amended, reads "We can amend the Constitution whenever the fuck we feel like it"), the Republicans want to add a brand new Amendment to the Constitution. The Twentieth-eighth Amendment will read, when passed, "Women shall have the God-given privilege, should they attempt to exercise their reproductive freedom to terminate a pregnancy, to undergo a forced vaginal probe paid for at their own expense."

A Constitutional Convention, presided over by the eminent constitutional scholar Donald J. Trump, who will be aided by the Rev. Michael Huckabee, will be convened in Huston, Texas in 2017 to further revise a document which, by the lights of the current Republican Party, is sorely out of date.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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