Michael Richards (Seinfeld's Kramer) who insulted four black men at the Laugh Factory will apologize by washing their feet and their 40 toes clean.
"Washing and cleansing the feet of other people is a traditional religious practice that shows humility, respect, and servitude," explained the Reverend Al Sharpton who sat on the edge of the pool next to Mr. Richards at the Beverly Hills Hotel poolside press conference.
Sitting on the other side of Mr. Richards, the Reverend Jesse Jackson rhymed in, "Take back the slaps to the blacks. To atone alone is baloney. To atone you must wash a toe bone."
Wearing swimsuits and sitting on edge of pool, Michael, Jesse and Al kicked their feet in the water like giddy schoolgirls and answered reporters' questions. "Michael, where will you wash the feet of the four black men"? "Well, I don't know...the David Letterman Show...or maybe this time the Jay Leno Show." Reverend Al Sharpton cut in, "The venue for this religious ceremony must be suitably dignified. It also must be a remunerative venue that will generate financial as well as spiritual healing. Right now, I am in negotiations with Don King, boxing promoter and well know financial healer, over a suitable venue, perhaps Madison Square Garden in New York."
Jesse responded by jumping into the pool, then paddling over and splashing Al with water, "Al, remember we are partners in healing. 50-50. You say, "potato", I say, "pota-toe". You say, "tomato", I say, "toma-toe". I have a wonderful healing venue at the Rainbow Church and Multiplex in Chicago. As landlord, I can get a great deal..."
Just then, Gloria Allred, attorney for the four insulted black men, leaped off the high diving board and landed a huge cannonball in the pool, soaking Jesse, Al, Michael, and all the reporters and cocktail waitresses. Gloria spit out a mouthful of water, then spouted, "Al and Jesse, your discussions are null and void and ispo non facto. I am the white lawyer representing the four black men. So, whitey will be part of any deal. Unless my four clients agree to participate, you have no feet to wash, no toes to wash clean, no financial healing. And when I talk financial healing, I mean FINANCIAL HEALING, like pay-per-view-rights, book deals, TV and radio appearances, movie rights, commercial endorsements. I think public humiliation of Mr. Richards in front of millions of pay-per-views is fitting justice for his public humiliation of my four clients before millions of people on the Internet, radio, and TV."
A TV reporter asked Michael, "Do you know this woman"? "Yeah, I have been negotiating with her so I can do a face-to-face apology with the four guys at the comedy club. I thought comping them to a night at the Laugh Factory would do it, but she told me to stop making her laugh so hard, and come back when I'm serious."
While Michael was talking, Jesse quietly submerged and swam under Gloria. When Michael stopped talking, Jesse rose up between Gloria's legs, and lifted her onto his shoulders and out of the water. Jesse sang, "White or black, I'll lift you on my back. Scratch my back, I'll scratch your back. We all swim in the same pool. Let's salute, not pollute. Glory to Gloria. On your knees...she has the keys."
A reporter for Ebony magazine asked Gloria, who was struggling not to fall from Jesse's shoulders, "Are you taking any steps to insure that Kramer does not screw up the washing and cleansing ceremony? That clumsy meatball could turn it into a laugh fest and humiliate the four men again."
"Good question", said Gloria, "I now have an iron-clad commitment that Michael Richards will fly to India and spend two weeks along the Ganges River washing and cleansing the feet of pilgrims. Mr. Richards has contracted a famous foot guru to learn how to wash feet and clean toes. Mr. Richards must finish his apprenticeship at least two weeks before the washing and cleansing ceremony with my clients."
Copyright 2006, Kevinito