Written by Xavier Fairbanks
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Saturday, 1 August 2015

image for Local Thunder-Thighs Wreak Havoc on Townspeople
Local citizen, Earl Hunkafunk carries his newly purchased Thunder Thigh, fire retardant wraps from his local fire station.

With the peak of the summer season, the heat and humidity have locals concerned about the effect that local thunder-thighs have on the well-being of their neighborhood. As shorts get shorter, and tops become more cropped, it leaves much more room for friction. Due to the extreme dry heat in the area, officials have expressed concerns that thunder thighs are one of the leading causes of brush and forest fires at this time of year.

"We're just concerned for our safety and theirs", said local fire chief, James Spears.

"May people don't understand the imminent danger that lies ahead if we continue on the path we've headed down."

This warning from local officials comes just days after, 29 year old Jayneice Lawfoundacombindagrass spontaneously combusted on of the small town's record breaking heat waves.

With temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun, Ms. Lawfoundacombindagrass was out on her morning walk to 7-11, as she had done for many years past, and due to the friction and relentless heat, she became what Law Enforcement officials have termed as Thunderstruck. This is the third occurrence of its kind in the last several days.

As the town steps further into the summer month, nearing their hottest days ahead, the concerns are high. Many local residents are becoming frightened and concerned for their safety. One local resident has even begun the process of foam spraying his property to protect from damage that is caused in severe Thunder-Thigh phenomena.

A local car wash has even set up a Thunder-Wash station, where those afflicted with the phenomena can ensure that their thighs have been properly cleaned, vacuumed, and waxed, all while ensuring that they even restore their new thigh smell. This station provides 24/7 wash services using high powered, state of the art pressurized washing mechanisms specifically designed to ensure cleanliness and safety for all those who are at risk of becoming Thunderstruck.

For the time being, local officials are asking that all thighs of thunder size be wrapped in fire retardant blankets to prevent the spread of further catastrophe to the town and its residents. If you need more information on where and how to obtain such materials, local officials have set up a hotline specifically to address the problem. 1800-thunderstruck is open 24/7 for locals to learn all they can in the wake of this local turmoil. Grief counselors are also available upon request if your family has experienced the wrath of Thunder thighs this summer season.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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