Written by Will Offit
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Friday, 31 July 2015

Des Moines, IOWA--Despite finishing every class with a grade no worse than A-, Local Abraham Lincoln High School student Gabe Proctor continues to downplay the amount of time spent studying for his Biology tests. "To be completely honest with you, I literally just glanced at my notes for maybe ten minutes at most. I honestly think this test won't be difficult at all," said Proctor before he received a 97% grade for the test in Biology which focused on the immune system. Some of the students in the class, where the average test score was 83%, were baffled as to how Proctor pulls off high grades. "I don't know how he does it," said student Leah Rothenberg. "I guess he must be really gifted. The human body's immune system must come naturally to him." Continued Rothenberg, "He's just a rare breed of student that intrinsically knows the name of every type of white blood cell."

Proctor brought us into his home and detailed his work routine for us. "Well, you know, I just get home and chill for a while over here on the couch. No need to bury my face into all the lame school stuff. I'll glance at a few things, maybe skim a few pages here and there, but overall I'm just relaxing and not getting too worried about anything." Proctor continued, "You can't get too worked up over these type of things. It's just school."

Some students, however, believe that Proctor lies about the amount of time spent studying. "I'm sorry but that's a bunch of bull-crud," said student James Maddin. "That kid is putting in at least 3 hours of studying a day, he just wants to fit in with the rest of the 'cool', 'laid back' crowd and doesn't want to fall into the classic 'nerd' stereotype. This is a story as old as time. You have a smart guy who works harder than everyone else and then pretends he doesn't so that no one else will work as hard as him and he ends up with the best grades in the class."

At press time, Proctor was seen comparing test scores with other students while telling them to 'relax' and 'chill' if they want to get good grades like him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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