Written by Tarun Chaffey
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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

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Accused perpetrator Kyle Sanders

Armidale, NSW - BA student Kyle Sanders, boarding in university accommodation, reportedly left the bathroom yesterday following a 'comfort stop' in which he used only 4 squares of toilet paper, the bare minimum required to avoid having to change the roll.

According to eyewitness reports, Sanders left the dorm 'hastily' Monday morning, reporting to housemates he was 'running late for class' and doing an 'odd shuffling walk'. Dane Westbrook, who resides with Sanders, reportedly entered the bathroom shortly after Sanders departure.

'The guy is an absolute grub', said a candid Westbrook, angrily tearing a hanging tendril of toilet paper off the roll. 'I mean, most of what he has left is not even attached to the actual roll, it looks like he has just draped a couple of squares over the tube to make it look like there is enough remaining for the next person. What a prick', spat a fired-up Westbrook.

At press time, Sanders had reportedly poured himself a glass of milk and returned the container to the fridge, leaving just enough in the bottom to avoid both placing it in the bin and buying another carton. Sources in nearby dorms reportedly heard a muffled scream when Westbrook opened the fridge moments after Sanders had left kitchen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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