Written by Auntie Matter
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Friday, 17 July 2015

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Beware La MONS. You have been warned!

A man in Los Angeles has set police on the search for a lady whom he claims has "driven me into deep depression, guilt and self-loathing".

For these ailments he is seeking psychiatric counselling and has filed a suit with the notorious legal firm of Schillings in London.

The man, Tim Donovan, is a philosophy graduate of Yale University. He is currently working for the publicity department of Warner Bros Studios.

He claims that on his 31st birthday he went to his favourite Jazz Club in LA for a celebration with a few friends. Shortly after midnight he was approached by a "very attractive lady".
"I don't remember much about the preamble," he told reporters. "But, one minute I was in the bar waving farewell to my friends; and the next I was in my room with this broad sitting on my chest giggling. We had intercourse, naturally. But, it was the most empty experience of my fucking life. She left immediately. I woke up the next morning utterly depressed. I thought maybe I had contracted an STD or something and went to my doctor. Thankfully, I was cleared but it was an expensive examination. I visited a priest and asked for an exorcism because I was convinced I was demoniacally possessed. From then on, I have experienced mood swings and an increasing sense of futility for which I am receiving professional help. I did not even get the woman's name. I should never have gone with her but she had this stunning figure, was very intelligent, had magnificent boobs and was hot as Vesuvius. I should have known better."

Police have decided to call the lady "La MONS" ("The Meaningless One Night Stand"). La MONS is described as five feet six, brunette, very attractive and of slim build. Nobody should approach her as she may be wearing lipstick and fishnet tights. If she approaches you call the police immediately.

Schillings lawyers are in consultation with Bono of U2 who successfully ruined the career and livelihood of his stylist who he claimed has stolen his Stetson hat. Miss Lola Cashman was "financially impoverished" she said after losing her case in London's High Court and was ordered to pay the multi-millionaire philanthropist costs that she could not afford (Independent 21/07/2005).

Utterly meaningless?

Or.... are we all nuts?
And ... how did we get to be that way?

Could bullshit music, ruthless lawyers, the media, misogyny and shared delusions have anything to do with it?

Schillings have counselled Donovan to seek no 'meaning' whatever in his "meaningless one night stand" as it may "jeopardize" their case.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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