Written by John Langlois
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Friday, 1 December 2006

image for Homeland Security Announces "Shoot on Sight" Policy.
We'll shoot on sight anyone whose score tops 650

As a follow up to the recently announced "Automatic Targeting System" by the department of Homeland Security, government officials released what they see as the next step in a process designed to rid the world of terrorists, trouble makers, malcontents, whiners and anyone who challenges their "aww-thor-i-tay."

"We're gonna shoot em," said Leon Nazische. "It's as simple as punching a ticket. When those bastards finally irritate us enough, we're gonna take'em out."

CNN recently reported that the department's new ATS system assigns a terrorist rating number to every person entering or leaving the United States. The score is based on the passenger's form of payment, whether they bought one-way flights, what seat assignments they requested, any specialty meals, their e-mail address, flight upgrade history, frequent flyer miles and choice of birth control.

However, while a credit score may be reviewed for errors, your "terrorist rating" cannot be challenged or even reviewed. Insiders say the points assigned are "cumulative", so when that guy that always makes a scene at the airport cuts loose, he is just digging his own grave.

More specifically, the department now plans to shoot on sight anyone whose score tops 650.

When asked how passengers could know whether they are in any imminent danger, Nazische said, "Well, hell. If we let them see their score, how are we ever going to get to shoot anybody? They'll just stay home."

Consumer groups were quick to point out that the numbering system being used, too closely parallels the credit rating system.

When asked whether a mixing of databases could be a formula for disaster, a government official said, "most people can't pay their credit cards anyway, so their credit is in the toilet. They'll be okay, I guess."

Representatives from several civil libertarian groups presented a profile for review in the system. It read as follows:

"Male, in his 60's, fervently religious, previous military history flying jets, known alcohol and drug problems, special diets, frequent flights out of the country, anti-birth control and non-working email address."

"Oh, this guy's in big trouble according to the computer. Who is it?", he asked.

"George Bush," they replied.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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