"We're going to play hardball with these pesky insurgents", announced President Bush today at a congressional hearing on the war in Iraq, "how can you run a decent war if the opponents don't fully cooperate?"
Sources report that Bush has found it hard to compete with the high levels of hostile antagonism the US has endured in Iraq. Following a lengthy meeting with a group of advisers, he feels a solution to the "insufferable nuisance" has finally been reached.
The reported that each NATO soldier will be equipped with a barbecue grill and five kilos of various pork products. The clouds are to be seeded with bacon bits and planes will be equipped to bomb the area with pigs.
Bush explained, "We know they don't dig no swine. We feel our plans are a solid course of action."
A spokesman for the Halliburton Meat Products and Oscar Myer Pork Division insisted "Pork is the most versatile of meats and should be enjoyed by all. Pork is the other white meat." The Pork council is said to be pleased that the US is not pulling out of Iraq, but is instead putting them in.
The ASPCA has responded to the plans with dismay. They commented, "You simply can't bomb people with live pigs. It's cruel, wrong, and a totally unusual punishment. Especially for the pigs."
Religious groups have unanimously condemned Bush's actions against the faiths and beliefs of the Iraqi people as simply barbaric.
From the desk of
Buck E. Filbert
Dec. 1, 2006