Written by Paul Blake
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Wednesday, 1 July 2015

image for Divorce Lawyer Hits The Jackpot - Outside IKEA!
This heavy chest of drawers is one of Splitski's best sellers! (And he doesn't have to lift a finger)

Carson, Calif. - Business has never been better for Max Splitski, a divorce lawyer in the Los Angeles area. And his recent surge in clientele has all come from the very same place - the exit door at the IKEA, just down the road from his offices.

"It's a goddamn windfall!" told an amped Mr. Splitski. "It's so easy, too! All I do is come down here with a stack of business cards every Sunday for a couple of hours and hand them out at the exit door, and by noon on Monday my phone is ringing off the hook! I'm actually having to hire a new associate every couple of weeks."

It all started when Mr. Splitski, himself, needed a new coffee table for his waiting room. "I went into the giant box store, grabbed a tiny pencil and form to fill out and started following the yellow arrows on the floor. By the time I had made in through the labyrinth of home furnishings and found the coffee table section, I had witnessed no less that twenty couples, all ready to rip each others throats out. Eureka! Couples that had lost each other, couples who couldn't agree on style and color, couples that had simply grown so tired of the shopping experience all together, that they were now blaming each other for every little thing. I overheard a couple trying to pick out drapes, by the end of their discussion, they were blaming each other for their failed careers, their awful children, and the terrible direction that their lives had taken. It was if IKEA had designed their stores for this sole purpose. I wish I had of come here ten years ago!"

Indeed, Mr. Splitski was busy again the very next Sunday, handing out business cards near checkout stand # 32. "Gimme one of those damn things," an angry woman demanded, snatching a gold-embossed card from a smiling Splitski, while eyeing her worn-out husband with utter disdain. "Do you have any appointments available this week?" she snapped angrily.

"Why yes, yes I do!" said Splitski to the woman, with a twinkle in his eye while humming his new favorite song, the Righteous Brothers' 1964 Hit, 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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